The Behaviour Detective: Understanding and Responding to Big Feelings

Have you ever wondered, “Why did my child react so strongly to something that seemed so small?” A child crying, yelling, or refusing can often leave parents feeling unsure about what to do next. Before we can support behaviour, it’s important to understand what is happening underneath.

What is regulation?

Regulation is our ability to manage our emotions, energy levels, and behaviours so we can participate in everyday life. It helps us cope with challenges, adapt to changes, communicate our needs, and connect with others.

When a child is regulated, they are better able to learn, play, and access the skills they already have. When a child is dysregulated, their nervous system is overwhelmed, making it harder to think clearly, communicate, and manage emotions. This may look like crying, yelling, hitting, running away, refusing, shutting down, or struggling to communicate.

It’s important to remember that big reactions can look different. A tantrum is often a child communicating a want or need (like a toy, or extra time playing), while a meltdown occurs when a child becomes overwhelmed and is no longer able to manage their emotions or behaviours in the moment.

Check out our article “Spot the Difference: Tantrums vs Meltdowns” for more information on this.

Behaviour is communication

Every behaviour has a purpose. Instead of asking, “How do we stop this behaviour?”, we can ask, “What is this behaviour communicating?”

A child may be communicating:

• “This is too overwhelming.”

• “I don’t understand what is expected.”

• “I’m struggling to communicate what I need.”

• “Something hurts or doesn’t feel right.”

• “I need a break.”

• “My body needs movement.”

• “This change feels too difficult.”

The same behaviour can have many different meanings. Understanding the reason behind a behaviour helps us respond to the child’s needs, rather than only focusing on what we can see.

How can co-regulation support children?

Children don’t learn regulation by being told to “calm down.” Regulation develops through relationships. Co-regulation is when a trusted adult supports a child’s nervous system by providing calm, connection, and safety during moments of overwhelm.

This might look like using a calm, reassuring voice, naming and validating emotions, offering a hug or sitting nearby, or taking slow breaths together. Over time, these experiences help children build the skills needed for independent regulation.